adrian
Junior Member
Posts: 58
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Post by adrian on Aug 22, 2011 20:47:14 GMT 10
Why do farts smell
so the deaf can enjoy them too
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Post by admin on Sept 4, 2011 23:13:33 GMT 10
OMG!!! I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!". Then they asked "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now". Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".
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Post by admin on Sept 18, 2011 0:14:34 GMT 10
The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice " There's something I must confess"
"Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mum!"
"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes.....
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Post by admin on Sept 26, 2011 21:49:41 GMT 10
How do you wake up lady gaga
poker face
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Post by abramowing on Jun 8, 2012 18:50:51 GMT 10
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.
'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich� for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
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Post by admin on Jun 9, 2012 22:09:46 GMT 10
Letter from the PM .
Dear People of Australia ,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should
you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.
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Post by admin on Jun 10, 2012 18:05:46 GMT 10
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They are for my brother he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
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Post by admin on Jun 10, 2012 18:18:52 GMT 10
The first time I went to a chemist to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, ‘Compared to what?’
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm about that big.’
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, ‘You're a medium.’
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Post by admin on Jun 10, 2012 18:28:56 GMT 10
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
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Post by admin on Jun 16, 2012 19:27:25 GMT 10
This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.
Repeat it out loud as
you scroll down.
Keep going . . .Don't stop
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down..
Think of either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animal's name
Almost there.......
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
Take the hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
person's name?!
Of course they don't, you idiot!
Now TAKE THAT
HAND AND smack
the shit out of yourself,
Gotcha!!!!!!!!!
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Post by admin on Jun 16, 2012 19:50:39 GMT 10
Wife said I had to put this on for all your wifes/girlfriends For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. 1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are likeBananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4.Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8.Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12! . Men are likeLava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. |
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Post by admin on Jun 24, 2012 17:48:45 GMT 10
THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the State of Origin opener, the biggest sporting event of the rugby league calendar and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first State of Origin match we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
....."No. They're all at the funeral."
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Post by admin on Jun 24, 2012 21:07:47 GMT 10
Jack failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
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Post by admin on Jun 25, 2012 16:43:46 GMT 10
One hot summer day, Warrigal came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade
of a tree and headed into the pub for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?"
Warrigal called out, "It's mine, mate."
"Your dog seems to be in heat," the cop said.
Warrigal replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade
tree."
The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said Warrigal. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
fed 'er this mornin'."
The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have
sex!"
Warrigal looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police
dog."
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Post by admin on Jun 27, 2012 20:28:00 GMT 10
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking,
he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
To the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying AUSTRALIAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
( made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL ),
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't
find a good paying job
in AUSTRALIA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM THE GOVERNMENT WHO ARE GOING TO CREATE EVEN MORE JOBS OVERSEAS WITH A CARBON TAX DESIGNED TO DESTROY EVEN MORE AUSTRALIAN JOBS BECAUSE ITS IN THE NATIONAL INTEREST
LEAD BY A PRIME MINISTER MADE IN WALES
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