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Post by abramowing on Jul 4, 2011 22:19:42 GMT 10
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Post by abramowing on Jul 4, 2011 22:21:07 GMT 10
HILLYBILLY DAYVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."
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Post by abramowing on Jul 4, 2011 22:22:06 GMT 10
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays.. 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.
I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....
'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket.'
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Post by abramowing on Jul 4, 2011 22:22:53 GMT 10
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. In heaven they are confronted by St. Peter, who asks the first girl, 'Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'St. Peter says,'OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question. Jennifer is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled and stroked one. St. Peter says, 'OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate. Suddenly there is a commotion in the line of girls, one of whom is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter demands to know why she is in such a rush. The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Thelma sticks her arse in it'.
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Post by abramowing on Jul 4, 2011 22:23:27 GMT 10
Did you hear about the lesbians who were building a house?
There was not one stud to be seen.
But lots of tongue in groove.
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Post by abramowing on Jul 4, 2011 22:24:19 GMT 10
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"
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Post by abramowing on Jul 12, 2011 21:50:53 GMT 10
Australian sexual practices
1) Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
2) What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?
3) What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?
4) What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.
5) Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!
6) What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.
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Post by abramowing on Jul 12, 2011 21:52:29 GMT 10
Australian history
A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
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Post by abramowing on Jul 12, 2011 21:55:50 GMT 10
Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " she replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I've rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its work."
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Post by abramowing on Jul 12, 2011 22:02:39 GMT 10
A girl was visiting her ! blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"
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Post by abramowing on Jul 12, 2011 22:15:24 GMT 10
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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sam
New Member
Posts: 47
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Post by sam on Jul 12, 2011 22:23:30 GMT 10
Condom Slogans
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
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Post by admin on Jul 21, 2011 14:23:01 GMT 10
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Scroll Down. --->
<----- Scroll Up.
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Post by admin on Jul 21, 2011 14:24:54 GMT 10
blonde policewoman joke
This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
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Post by abramowing on Jul 22, 2011 22:43:49 GMT 10
Good stuff  |
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